Sunday, 12 January 2014

Why are homos and heteros scared of bisexual adultery?

One of the many classic reasons given by heteros and homos as to why they don't want to date someone who is bisexual is that they would be scared of the bisexual cheating on them or leaving them for someone of the opposite gender to themselves.

And it confuses the shit out of me. Not just the frustrating assumptions behind it that we can't be satisfied with only one gender; that we need both, must have both, and probably at the same time, or we're somehow going to spend our entire lives having threesomes, or at least sleeping with one person of each gender at all times (which to ignorant people means 1 man and 1 woman), or even that we by necessity are all polyamorous, and the only way to be happy is a three person couple.

Not just that. It hurts, like all biphobia, because it makes me feel like I am automatically untrustworthy. Why should who I am attracted to have any bearing on the kind of person I am? I'm a good person! There are cheaters, and there are faithful partners, and neither group is delineated along the lines of orientation. If I'm the kind of person who wants a monogamous, long-term relationship, and eventually marriage, the genders of the celebrities on my personal Hot List are irrelevant to my likelihood of cheating/leaving my partner for someone else.

It also seems illogical. Who cares what gender my partner has cheated on me with/is leaving me for, that bastard has betrayed me, replaced me, broken trust, probably lied to me, and disrespected me! My girlfriend sleeps with/runs off with a man, it is not going to hurt any more or any less than if she had slept with/run off with a woman. Even the thought of this non-existent girlfriend cheating on me hurts a little bit; the image of someone's hand, anyone's hand, touching the body that I - hypothetically - loved, caressed, cared for, and centred my world around - how could it hurt more, simply because it was Craig and not Carol? The girlfriend would be gone, my heart would be broken, and I would hate the person they slept with equally if it was Craig OR Carol.

So why do some homos and heteros feel differently? I genuinely don't understand. Sure, someone of a different gender to you can give your partner different things. But obviously so can someone of the same gender as you, otherwise why do homos and heteros cheat on their partners with people the same gender as their partner? (Hopefully that sentence makes sense). If your partner has cheated on you/is leaving you for someone else, you have been inadequate or something has been wrong; it is not your gender. It's you, or it's them, but it's probably both of you, two individuals with unique lives, with a broken relationship. Don't blame their bloody orientation - you're sidestepping the issue.

And don't be scared of entering a relationship with a bisexual. The relationship will work or will break, based on how the two of you work together, and how much effort you both put into the relationship.


  1. "we're somehow going to spend our entire lives having threesomes"

    ...oh, to have the time and the energy! ;)

  2. A girl once explained her fears to me as she'd feel more insecure about me running off with a guy because she didn't have the right parts to compete with him, whereas she knew she could compete with a girl...

  3. But that doesn't make sense to me. Every individual has something different they can offer, and you can't always compete. Gender shouldn't be a bigger factor than any other.

    And she (no offence) sounds like she simplifies relationships down to sex, and they aren't just sex, 'competing' with others for someone's affections has a lot of levels.

    And anyway, comparing sex at all is a silly suggestion; even comparing my experiences of different men is a defunct exercise because the situations and our relationships were so different, of course the sex was different, because even sex is not a simple as just the parts. That a hetero or a homo thinks that we can compare sex with men vs women is stupid because they should be able to realise that you just can't compare sex at all.

    Do you think that she has a point?

    1. She didn't just focus on sex during the convo, but this was what stuck with me. Rather than thinking she has a valid point, I think she expressed an understandable fear for someone who hasn't had to grapple with bisexuality before. I dropped the issue because I didn't have the patience to give her a queer theory class (to which I actually believe she would be receptive).